Updating post from Reddit.
I'm in a stage in life where I don't have much housing options available but not eligible for public funds. Recently, was lucky enough to get a room in a flat with a live in landlord. The guy seems mostly fine and friendly enough. The only issue is that I've noticed he doesn't seem to have much of a social life. He's been suggesting to get dinner or watch a film a few times already. Nothing significant has happened but I'm a bit worried because I'm not keen on being romantically involved with someone I depend on for housing. I also noticed that our tastes are so different with food and films - he's a very picky eater and I'm from an ethnic background usually eating lots of spices and exotic dishes so we I do feel a bit obligated to get food, it's really not what I enjoy at all.
I'm worried that if I don't make it clear from the start, I'll be very uncomfortable. I likely won't bring this up blatantly like "Btw not looking to date!" out of the blue especially if I might be overthinking. But definitely don't want to offend him by not hanging out at all because I really don't want to get kicked out because I've had a few housing crisis this past year already. I am also autistic and need my alone time a lot so recently I've just been staying in my room so I don't feel like I have to literally chat everytime I see him in the common areas. He is always in the living room when WFH as well but I get that I'm a lodger and it's technically his space to use.
Any women have similar situations and advice that they could share?
Edit: I got a suggestion by commenters to add some additional information to the main post.
It's just been roughly a few days/weeks since I've moved in.
In terms of watching movies together. I did that once and was trying to suggest an action/superhero film but he ended choosing a romance one with a lot of s-xual scenes. This was late at night and super uncomfortable. He looked like he wanted to keep chatting or maybe do other activities afterward as well -- by that time it was after midnight and I was feeling uncomfortable -- so I quickly excused myself, saying it's not really my type of movie.
When we have small talk, he would always somehow pivot to "we can [insert whatever activity] together next time." To the point where I'm reluctant to share general info about myself much now. E.g. when I joking say I don't watch 'trash TV' anymore cuz I'm past that age and it used to only be fun when I can discuss it with my friends when I was younger, he was like Oh we can watch together and we can talk about it. Or the fact that I eat exotic food and he doesn't, he will say I'm sure you teach me to... I do find it a bit intrusive especially since we barely know each other.
Re:him being in the living room, this is usually all day (WFH) and then all night watching TV as well. So I'm worried about being too cold if in always on my headphones when I go to the kitchen.
Someone suggested buying some snacks to share with a nice note so it offsets when I don't interact that much. I do think that's a great idea, would love any other suggestions like that if anyone has some. E.g. Like only hanging out a once every two weeks, only in the day time, etc.
I've seen comments from male landlord who said that if the lodger feels really cold/antisocial towards them, they might consider asking them to leave and I really don't want that to happen either (unless very very necessary due to my previous situation at this point).
Moments like these might be the right time to make up a long-distance boyfriend
Yeah I was thinking so as well
How about suggesting women to stand their ground instead of depending on a man, for a change? mh?
This isn’t something that I’d suggest lightly. But this is a multi-faceted situation and we want to make sure that she stays safe in her living situation.
Trust me, normally I’m all for what you’re saying. I don’t want her to get in danger though.
Male lodger landlord
Make it clear what you will and will not accept
"watching a film" and getting a few pizzas isnt necessarily a "date" its a pretty normal social activity for a house share (I would have thought? I do think? Maybe I'm weird?)
I always have a film and pizza night with new housemates, we've only ever met for like 10 minutes for the viewing so its (supposed) to be a bit of an ice breaker, its not an attempt to get in to peoples pants.
The people who are looking for a room for sex arrangement are usually pretty open about it
I've added some more info in the main post regarding the movie thing and other stuff based on suggestions of other comments in different sub. Hopefully it might add some more context on what I'm a bit worried about this.
a tricky one. I think just repeatedly politely declining and hopefully he'll get the message (if he has any self awareness)?
Definitely, I get you. I just don't want to come off as too cold and get kicked out because he is unhappy with me since the housing situation is not so great in my area for the past year
Speaking from the perspective of a female live in with a male lodger: you need to set boundaries, and fast.
I hope he’s just being friendly, but you should feel comfortable at home. Stay safe.
However, if you really do depend on this place at the moment, be careful not to come across too cold. If he feels like your presence in his home is a negative because you come across as distant and unfriendly then he may well decide he is better off without you.
If you’re going to decline everything and keep out the way, maybe every now and again just tell him ‘hey I just bought this. Do you want some? Help yourself.’ He can then have a little of your inexpensive innocuous gift item in his own time out of your way but will have a reason to think you are friendly and generous, just private and appreciative of boundaries.
You have to find ways to interact at a distance and from different places. A little treat is the way to go. You could even text the message or leave a post-it note so it is even more arm’s length.
That's a really good idea! I definitely was worried about having a line between boundaries and seeming kinda 'rude'/cold.
I'll probably get some snack bowls to share with a nice note or something. It's just odd to me because other landlords I had seems happy as long as you're clean and quiet. It's seems more like he's wanting a lodger as a friend because he does have his own friendship groups from what I can see. Like we recently watch a show together from his choosing which I didn't enjoy and afterwards he made comments like oh we can watch this other one next time. Like this is starting to feel weirdly 'clingy' if you know what I mean.
deffo understand and have been there before. I also have autism and ADHD and I find that when I mention that I need alone time for those reasons, people tend to not be as clingy because it's a medical reason. You can say you have burnout and need alone time to recharge so you're happy to hang out like once a week but you might not be around much during the rest of the week.
Careful tho bc I don't know your dynamic and I don't want you to lose a house. It's deffo an uncomfortable situation with a power dynamic that I wouldn't want to find myself in. It may not be his intention, but he's pressuring you to hang out and the fear of losing a roof over your head is making it difficult to set boundaries. Try slowly setting boundaries around neurodivergence, and he might (hopefully) be receptive
Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it.
I'm hoping he's not going to turn out weird or get angry if I set bounds because I don't want to be kicked out or have to decide to leave (unless absolutely necessary). I've been looking at the housing on and off for a while so I know we're having shortage of suitable housing in the city the past two years.
How do you live with someone and never eat with them? Totally ignoring your roommate by wearing headphones whenever you see them also sounds toxic af.
I mean you need to be comfortable, but so does the other person.
Nothing technically out of order has happened yet BUT trust your gut. Men will hide their nefarious intentions behind social technicalities.
My live in landlord wanted to chat a lot, this led to me becoming his unpaid therapist. He also early on was using my soap and stuff and that escalated to him demanding to use my Netflix when I was using it, coming into my room without my permission and touching my bedsheets etc.
Be careful! I would’ve in hindsight reduced the amount of chit chat drastically.
People show who they are when you set boundaries, ask yourself:
🫂🫂🫂🫂 much hugs to you as a fellow autistic woman who’s went through similar.
Thanks kind stranger. The only thing is that I genuinely don't want to move out again anything soon so don't want to get him angry and be kicked out (due to the aforementioned housing crisis).
But definitely, if there are clear red flags, I will move out. It's just that the quality of this housing in comparison to the price I can't find anywhere and I've been looking on an off for a year now. I'm saving for a deposit so hope to move out once I can but this is helping me save money.
Yeah that's what I'm worried about. He's literally in the common areas almost all day and night as well. If he's not working, then watching TV and when I go into the kitchen he will always want to talk. Mind consider wearing headphone
I don't mind occasional small talk but it gets very draining especially because I can only socialise more with select few, similar neurodiverse close friends without being tired.
Start talking about your 'boyfriend'... Henry loves this Henry does this
I don't think going out for pizza or a movie night is weird. Sounds like he's breaking the ice, I would do it but maybe invite a friend.
I don't think the answer is to be cold as that could also get you kicked out. I wouldn't want a stranger in my house behaving like I don't exist
Good idea! I was thinking I might ask a male friend to join sometimes, maybe they can hit it off and he will have another friend to hang out with lol
I think just be open and honest from outset.
Sit him down and just explain how you function.
For example
I'm an introvert...
I don't want to come across rude but enjoy my own space...
I don't mind pizza night on the last Friday every month or once a week. Pleasentries when you do pass each other.
Etc
That's it, whatever works for you.
He will then know what to expect. He's probably just trying to be nice and not be awkward himself.
He night just wanna watch a movie with his roommate..... the shock.... the horror....
I don't get why you feel the need to be so sarcastic
I think it's sad that everyone in here is automatically thinking you're possibly unsafe because it's a male. If they are expressing interest on some level then boundary setting is the solution which doesn't make your situation unsafe in any way.
Dang, talk about lack of situational awareness.
Because males are dangerous in any situation right? 🤦♂️
Again, lack of awareness is very appalling indeed
Explain how that is situational awareness?
I think the unsafe-ness is because she has to go to sleep in this house where this slightly odd over friendly man is, you’re vulnerable when asleep or in the bathtub or whatever, standing in your room with one leg in your pants etc. You need to feel absolute confidence that the people you share your home with are trustworthy and not going to invade your privacy. It might seem unreasonable but it’s not surprising if she’s anxious when this man is giving off slightly odd over pushy signals, I would have a wedge to shove under my door if it didn’t lock.
MEN DANGEROUS
I had a housemate who I ate dinner with every night we were both home, and just said hi if we crossed paths. Worked great really.
Do you WFH too? Or any capacity to? I'd suggest eating dinner together and then just do the old office trick of "walking around looking stressed" and if he makes small talk "must get back, snowed under with deadlines!" "Absolutely knackered from work, need an early night!"
Tell him you're autistic and love being alone - the truth, saves any awkwardness and hopefully limits further suggestions
It is normal to be Social with Housemates. I have lived in many mixed Houseshares. I think perhaps have more confidence in asserting yourself. If you dont like the food or film be blunt and say.
If that's too hard make a joke of it. Say your " having a party for one "
Obviously, " womans problems" " Peri Menapause "
Are you sure this isn't Social Awkwardness?
I think it's more kosher for a guy and guy who are straight to live together and a girl and girl who are straight.
Unless you are married or serious relationship man and woman is a bit dodgy but not saying it can't work, just need to avoid awkwardness